


Such is Love

by fatripbruh



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Falling In Love, Hwang Hyunjin is Whipped, Hyunjin Is Hurt, Lee Felix (Stray Kids) is a Sweetheart, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:59:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22436029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fatripbruh/pseuds/fatripbruh
Summary: Hyunjin first sees Lee Felix on the same day that he’s told he has a chance to debut.An unfamiliar boy walks into the practice room, all nervous smiles and stilted Korean and a dusting of freckles across his cheekbones.Hyunjin doesn’t believe in love at first sight, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t falling.Lee Felix is untouchable.OR alternatively:Hyunjin loves Felix, but he can’t have him.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix
Comments: 2
Kudos: 88





	Such is Love

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiii :) I'm sorry in advance for the angst (ish) that you're about to read. It gets better tho. I hope you enjoy!

Hyunjin first sees Lee Felix on the same day that he’s told he has a chance to debut.

An unfamiliar boy walks into the practice room, all nervous smiles and stilted Korean and a dusting of freckles across his cheekbones that Hyunjin thinks have a slight resemblance to stars in an unpolluted night sky. Not that you ever see those in Seoul.

Hyunjin has been taught not to believe in love at first sight, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t falling.

Lee Felix, as he introduces himself in poor Korean, is from Australia, and Lee Felix, Hyunjin learns, will be debuting with him.

It makes sense, Hyunjin thinks, that the universe would taunt him with wary grins and wide, sparkling eyes, only to pull such things far out of his reach.

_Such is life._

Or so he’s been told, the words repeated tirelessly by his elders, paired with a condescending look that seems to say _Ah, ignorant children. You’ll understand when you’re older._ Hyunjin’s older now than he was before, but perhaps not old enough because, when he looks at the foreign boy, he _wants_ , even though it’s been made clear that he cannot ever have him in this lifetime. And Hyunjin thinks, _Fuck life_ , though he would never dare say so aloud nor make any action to express a similar sentiment. That kind of rebellion is saved for those who don’t make it in the real world, who don’t care what others think.

Hyunjin cares.

Hyunjin cares deeply, and so he represses his want, silently vowing never to get too close to this Lee Felix, for fear - not of falling. It’s too late for that - of hitting the bottom.

…

To see the sun cry is to see the world crumble around you. Lee Felix is the sun, Hyunjin’s sun.

“I’m really sorry but, this time, you won’t be able to continue together.”

Tears well in Lee Felix’s eyes, threatening to spill over, and Hyunjin thinks - a thought that almost goes unnoticed, so subconscious it is - that, in some sick, twisted way, the boy looks beautiful when he cries. It's a shame Hyunjin won't be able to see him cry anymore.

Though, perhaps Hyunjin is sick and twisted. He's been told so the few times he's bared his heart to those he thought were close, the few times he exposed his secret. They’re not close anymore. Hyunjin’s not close with anyone anymore. So why, Hyunjin thinks, does it hurt so much to see Lee Felix cry - despite how beautiful he looks -, to know that he will never see tears roll down the night sky situated on Lee Felix’s cheeks ever again? Perhaps this is all for the best. Hyunjin's fallen too far now, there's no hope for him of climbing back up, but maybe, if Felix is taken away, he can stop himself before he hits the bottom.

Lee Felix is collapsing in on himself and Hyunjin is violently sobbing, his nose running and a migraine building behind his forehead because Hyunjin is not close to Lee Felix, but he cannot stand to see Fate so cruelly rob the foreign boy of his smile. No matter how beautiful his tears are, Lee Felix’s smile will always be better. 

_Such is life. No-one can smile forever._

Hyunjin thinks that Lee Felix could’ve. Lee Felix could’ve done a lot of things. Now he doesn’t have the chance.

When the now-stranger says his goodbye’s, Hyunjin desperately wishes for a ‘see you later’ instead. ‘See you later’ holds promises of a future where you will meet again, possibly share a smile or a tear. ‘Goodbye’ is final.

_That could have been me. That was almost me._

Why does he wish it was?

…

Lee Felix was the sun. No matter how far Hyunjin distanced himself, his light somehow managed to weed its way into Hyunjin’s heart like rays of sunlight through a forest canopy, the bright beams penetrating even the deepest crevices and the darkest shadows. Now that Lee Felix is gone, it’s so, so dark.

_Such is life. Where there is light, there will always be shadow._

Except, there is no light. Lee Felix is gone and, with him, all the light in Hyunjin's life. He feels as if he’s constantly stumbling, tripping over obstacles whose existence he was unaware of, searching desperately for the sun, a ray of sunlight to guide him down the dark, decrepit alleyway that is a life without Lee Felix.

Without Lee Felix, the darkness is overwhelming.

…

“Congratulations, you will debut as nine.”

When Lee Felix grins, Hyunjin is nearly blinded by the effulgent light that makes a sudden re-appearance in his life, though such light is quickly dimmed upon Hyunjin remembering that he cannot ever fully have Lee Felix. There are too many vast frontiers that Hyunjin has created between them to ensure that, although he is falling, he will never hit the bottom. If either of them were to ever meet on either side of the borders, Hyunjin thinks, he would surely be doomed. This world does not surrender its beliefs easily and love for the same gender is unacceptable, however unrequited it may be. Hyunjin's love for Lee Felix is disgusting.

_Such is life. Love does not win._

So Hyunjin must guarantee, for his own sake, that he never fully loves Lee Felix.

Because Lee Felix is unattainable.

…

“Hyunjin.”

“Yes, Lee Felix?”

“Do you wanna go get ramyeon from the store down the road? And stop calling me ‘Lee Felix’! We’re friends-”

_We are?_

“- and I’ve told you to just call me ‘Felix’. There's no need to be so formal.”

The first barrier between them. _Hyunjin must never refer to Lee Felix using a name that conveys any sort of emotional attachment. They must stay purely professional. When questioned, change the subject._

“Uhhhh…It’s midnight. Why do you want ramyeon, Lee Felix?”

“Call me ‘Felix’! Also, I’m hungry and lonely so…Come with me?” Felix looks at him, eyes shining, freckles proudly on display and a hopeful smile on his irresistible lips, and Hyunjin is weak.

“Okay,…Felix.”

So, so weak for Felix.

_Shit._

…

So far, no God has struck Hyunjin down with a bolt of holy lightning since he started referring to Lee Felix as ‘Felix’. But it’s always a possibility. The night is still young.

And what a beautiful night it is, though Hyunjin wouldn’t know. His eyes only see Felix as he dances through the dirty streets of Seoul -Hyunjin worries that these corrupt streets will taint him -, clad in a Pikachu onesie, the picture of innocence.

Hyunjin _wants_. He wants to hold Felix’s hand and ensure that these dim alleyways and flickering street lamps can’t corrupt Felix. He wants to protect the little light he has in his life by holding on tight and never letting go. He wants to love Felix. But he can’t.

So, when Felix reaches to grasp Hyunjin’s hand in his as they cross a busy intersection, Hyunjin flinches away, desperately trying to ignore the look of hurt that taints Felix’s delicate features as a result of his actions. 

Hyunjin _must_ remember rule two. _Never make physical contact, unless absolutely necessary._

After a beat of silence, Felix looking at his feet dejectedly, Hyunjin reaches for Felix’s hand.

…

It should be worrying to Hyunjin that he only has one rule that he hasn't yet broken but, somehow, it doesn't worry him at all. Maybe he's gotten cocky. Maybe he's high on the thrill of knowing Felix. Maybe he's in love.

And maybe that's why he breaks the third rule without any prompting. _Never confess your feelings._

"Hey, Felix?" Hyunjin intertwines his fingers with Felix's, squeezing tightly with no intention of ever letting go.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I know, Hyunjin."

And Hyunjin smiles genuinely for the first time since he grew up, heart filled with Lee Felix. Though it is night, Hyunjin’s sun shines brightly.

...

Although Felix may not have said 'I love you' aloud, Hyunjin knew that Felix loved him. He just knew. Such is love. 

And life? Life can go fuck itself.

**Author's Note:**

> So...yeah. Thanks for reading. I made sure that, in the last scene of the fic, Hyunjin broke all three rules at once. Did you notice? Comments and Kudos are always appreciated!


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